![]() You wrestled and then reconciled with death. I did not know how far you would go and when. ![]() I may have had some knowledge of suicide, but I was not you. I now know that there was nothing I could have done to intercede. I have beaten myself up for not spotting the signs well enough as someone who has been there. I have wished so many times in the last 11 years that I could have done something to stop this final curtain from falling upon you. You are placed upon constant “death watch.” You feel the guilt and anger at them and you. You wish you hadn’t when you see the pain in your family’s eyes. You may make suicide attempts as did you and I, brother. You feel like you have failed them just thinking about it. You believe that it all comes from a badness buried inside of you. You believe the lies that the desire to die is your own, rather than an illness or situation that is trying to lead you down a dark path of suicide. Getting through that battle without giving in to the impulse should make you feel like the winner that you are. Advertisementįighting against death is exhausting. I cannot speak for you brother, but I can speak for me. That is so easy to say when you have never felt it or seen it first-hand. Let them judge then where they will spend eternity or the apparent selfishness of their actions.Īnother thing I have hated is hearing people condemning those that have died as a result of suicide for being cowardly. May they never know a loved one who genuinely believes that suicide is the only answer. I have equally bitten my tongue and railed against them. It has been difficult to negotiate since your death the cruel estimations some make of those who take their own lives. Just a simple nod, a kind smile or a few basic words would have done. We don’t know if it’s because people don’t know what to say to those whose brother and son has died, or that they felt awkward about it being a suicide. It hurt when you died and people crossed the street because they didn’t know what to say to the family. That’s you living on in memory, not as a suicide casualty. I am glad to say that the living dreams are more prevalent now. I sometimes dream of you both living and in the process of dying. I don’t want that to be the lasting memory of you. I am about prevention rather than casting aspersions upon those that attempt or see through the action of suicide. I will never condone suicide as my desire is that no one will ever feel the need to do it, but I live in the real world. It is a conduit, albeit shocking, of a choice that they have made. I understand how people are horrified by it but the act is the terror, not the person. I cannot to this day witness the act of how you killed yourself on television. I will not deny the scariness of the violence of suicide. I am saddened though that for some their lasting memory will be of you being the bloke who “committed” suicide. I am not ashamed and I refuse to allow them to make me ashamed of you. It has never failed to surprise me how often people flinch or change the subject when I mention your mode of death. We did but in a whole new, there’s a void, kind of way. We did, however, have to pick up life, bit by painstaking bit. Who can forget you if they have ever even remotely been part of your life? You more than made your mark with your large personality, your cheekiness, your silly noises, your penchant for designer gear and your charm with the ladies. That is not to say that we moved on and forgot you. I had to train my brain in how to help me to walk, speak, look people in the eyes and just be a human being. I had to tell myself how to inhale and exhale. We all have to breathe though, and it was so bloody hard when I did. Did they not know that my brother had died, by suicide even, and I was holding my breath? Did they not know that I thought by not allowing myself to exhale, I could hold you inside for a little longer? I was mystified by how everyone carried on living. That monstrous voice of depression committed the crime, not you. You were beguiled by the seductive voices that told you it was better this way that the hurt would end and you were sparing your family and friends from it any further. ![]() I wish you could have seen that it was a temporary decision made painfully permanent. Every day I wish you had not decided upon suicide.
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